


Never Alone

by athousandfaces



Category: MDZS, 陈情令 | The Untamed (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Nightmares, POV Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, WHY IS THAT NO OFFICIAL TAG?!, Wei Ying needs a hug, anyway... Lan Zhan is a good husband, wangxian are husbands
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-04
Updated: 2020-02-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:20:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22562392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/athousandfaces/pseuds/athousandfaces
Summary: Some days, Wei Wuxian’s past catches up with him.It mostly happens when he sleeps and his mind roams freely, going to places it should stay away from.When he wakes up, shaken from the worst nightmares, calming down isn’t always easy.Or: Wei Ying deals with PTSD and Lan Zhan is a great husband.
Relationships: Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī/Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn
Comments: 22
Kudos: 300





	Never Alone

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first WangXian drabble, so... enjoy? xD It’s angsty, but I promise that it has a good ending in a lighter mood.
> 
> Also, I hope I haven’t mixed up the cql and mdzs storylines/endings too much, but if so, just ignore it~

Since Wei Wuxian returned from death and found his happy end with Lan Zhan, his life was so much better than he ever could have imagined.

He was doted on, cared for, was allowed to teach the Gusu Lan disciples alongside his husband - and oh, how warm his chest felt when he thought ‘husband‘ -, was free to roam the world if the urge should ever strike him again, and could count on his companion, his soulmate, _his_ Lan Zhan to always have his back and be there when Wei Wuxian needed him. Never alone.

The more time passed like this, days spent in the Cloud Recesses together, - happy, sad, boring, rainy, sunny, snowy, blatantly domestic ones - the farther away his past life seemed to be, the more his memories seemed like a dream to Wei Wuxian.

But just like with dreams, there were insignificant ones he forgot immediately, pleasant ones that made him smile when he thought about them, and… nightmares.

Nightmares that he couldn’t escape, that made his heart race in panic, sweat break out all over his skin, made him thrash his legs until he finally woke up with a bloodcurdling scream.

Of course, Lan Zhan was right beside him, carefully shaking him awake and stoically enduring the hits and kicks Wei Wuxian dealt before he came by again.

Lan Zhan was there to cradle him in his arms, soothingly stroking his back with his big hands, being the anchor Wei Wuxian needed to ground himself in this new life again.

In the beginning, Lan Zhan had asked what Wei Wuxian had dreamed, giving him an unimpressed stare and a serious “Wei Ying” when deflection and nervous laughter was all he got, but at one point, he had accepted that there were things Wei Wuxian didn’t want to talk about, refused to relive by putting them into words.

Some nights, Lan Zhan’s calming presence was enough to leave the nightmare behind and go back to sleep, snuggled tightly against his husband, engulfed by his arms, bathed in the warmth of his body.

Some nights, it wasn’t enough.

Wei Wuxian wasn’t a particularly good actor, so when he just couldn’t relax, his heart still beating fast like a rabbit’s, his mind filled with pictures and voices, smells and screams that he dearly wanted to push back into the chest in his mind and throw away the key, Lan Zhan would get up, wordlessly and without complaint, sit down before his guqin, and play for him until the sun went up.

Today, even that didn’t work.

The nightmare that had violently forced its way into Wei Wuxian’s head this time was the worst one. It was the one he was never able to soothe because deep down, he still believed that he deserved to suffer through it, again and again.

Shijie’s death.

The grief that struck him, old and yet not even scarred wounds tearing open, leaving a yawning chasm in his heart, was suffocating him.

He gasped for air like a drowning man, throwing a hasty “Nothing, nothing” to answer Lan Zhan’s concerned gaze from across the Jingshi, and got up to put on his outer robes.

“I need a little fresh air. You know, filling my lungs with that sweet, fresh Gusu Lan smell~”

“Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan called him out, the focus of his golden eyes never wavering on Wei Wuxian’s face.

He got up and took a step into his husband’s direction, who waved his hand at him and gently shook his head.

“Ah, Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan, it’s time to get up now anyway. The disciples will be waiting. I’ll come find you later.”

Eyes the only moving part of his body, Lan Zhan watched Wei Wuxian turn around and step into the crisp morning air outside.

How lucky he was to have a soulmate like him, someone who left him space when he needed it.

Lost in cruel memories, heart contracting painfully, he wandered around aimlessly, trying to get rid of the nausea in his stomach and the darkness in his mind.

It wasn’t fair that Shijie had to die. Why her? Why?

She’d been the kindest, most loving person Wei Wuxian had ever known. Forgiving, gentle, understanding.

A wife, a mother. A sister.

Sniffling, Wei Wuxian dragged his sleeve over his wet cheeks.

They’d found out, in the aftermath of the Jin Guangyao Case, that Wei Wuxian hadn’t lost control, that there had been another puppet master all along.

But he had been the reason she had come out to the battlegrounds, had searched for him, and had finally died for him.

No matter if he’d lost control or not - this blame couldn’t be transferred to someone else.

 _He_ was the reason she had decided to risk her own life, and eventually lost it.

This was unforgivable.

Wei Wuxian wouldn’t ever forgive himself for that.

He came to a halt, blinded by a new stream of tears, trying not to retch on the spot.

On days like this, it felt as if a piece of him was missing. 

Like a cut off finger. You might get used to it over time, but it wouldn’t return. It was taken away from you, and was irreversibly lost. At least for this life. An old man from Yunmeng who was missing two fingers had once told him that they would hurt sometimes although the fingers weren’t even there anymore, or itch, or would surprise and then sadden you when you really managed to forget and were abruptly reminded of their loss.

That was how his heart felt right now. Black, hurting, missing a piece.

He wondered why Shijie had to go that early. She couldn’t possibly have done something that bad in her past life, her soul was too pure for that. No, it was more likely that Wei Wuxian had done something wrong in his past life - the one before that first life nearly two decades ago - and that losing Shijie was his punishment.

Now, that meant that he really was to blame for it, wasn’t he?

“Why did it have to be you?” he whispered. _And why wasn’t it me?_

Why did he get a second chance? How was that fair? It never should’ve been him when she was still gone.

Wei Wuxian closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

Questions that might never be answered. Useless questions, one might say. Useless and without making a difference.

 _Then don’t ask them_ , Lan Zhan would say.

_Don’t ask them because there isn’t always a reason for our pain. Don’t ask them if there is no chance of relief. Don’t ask them because the suffering is worse when you get no answer, time and time again._

Sometimes, Wei Wuxian wanted to laugh. A bitter, sardonic laugh.

Whoever decided their fates certainly had a sadistic kind of humor.

 _Don’t dwell on things you can’t change,_ his inner voice advised, and it sounded suspiciously like his husband’s.

Taking a shaking breath, Wei Wuxian thought of Lan Zhan, of his quiet attentiveness and unwavering loyalty. Of his strange light eyes, so much more expressive than the rest of him, of his heart beating fast but strong under Wei Wuxian’s ear, of his rare but beautiful smiles. Of his support, of his generosity, of his love.

He thought of A-Yuan, his little turnip, all grown up, having turned out to be a pure-hearted, smart, empathetic young man under the care of the esteemed Hanguang-Jun.

He thought of Jin Ling, that ill-tempered, stubborn, arrogant child who had a fiercely loyal character, the wish to help hidden beneath an angry, petulant demeanor, much like Jiang Cheng’s. Their nephew was forgiving and kind if one knew where to look, the softer traits of his mother woven into his raucous personality. In a way, Shijie lived in him.

A single tear rolled down Wei Wuxian’s cheek as he inhaled the present and exhaled the past. Breath after breath.

He was here, they were here, and whether he understood fate’s choices or not, the best way to help them withstand the storms of life was watching over them and being the best version of himself. The best version he could manage, anyway.

Slowly, the screaming pain in his chest faded into a dull ache, persistent, but tolerable.

Finally becoming aware of his surroundings, Wei Wuxian stared up at the roaring waterfall. He was very fond of this place.

His thoughts drifted towards Lan Zhan, and an unconscious smile tugged at the corners of his lips.

“Wei Ying.”

“Uoah, Lan Zhan!” he exclaimed and whirled around.

There he was, Huangang-Jun himself, inquisitive gaze scrutinizing his face.

Self-consciously, Wei Wuxian wiped his cheeks dry one last time, although he probably couldn’t hide his red eyes.

Lan Zhan didn’t ask him, though, only quietly walked up to him, facing the waterfall. 

Mirroring him, Wei Wuxian asked: “Didn’t you have to teach today?”

“Uncle repeats the rules to them.”

“Again?” He looked at his husband’s unmoved side profile. “I thought Gusu Lan disciples are such obedient scholars? Don’t tell me there has been an incident,” he joked, but truth be told, he couldn’t imagine it. Most of them were well-behaved like lambs.

“No, but it’s good to remind them. After all, we’ll expect disciples from the other clans in a week. Can’t allow Gusu Lan disciples to get carried away.”

At this, Lan Zhan looked at Wei Wuxian from the corner of his eyes, and the latter finally caught on.

He laughed out loud. “Lan _Zhan!_ Don’t tell me you’ve used your uncle’s fear of his worst student to get the day off!”

His husband didn’t deign that with a response, but he didn’t need to.

Still giggling, Wei Wuxian leaned against Lan Zhan’s big frame, gaze directed towards the waterfall again, just enjoying the other man’s presence.

When they eventually headed back, unhurriedly and without any pressure, the weight on Wei Wuxian’s chest was slowly lifting.

The whole day, Lan Zhan stayed by his side, reassuring and caring. The anchor he needed to get him grounded here and now, in this new life.

Never alone again.

**Author's Note:**

> Dear pals,
> 
> if you enjoyed this tiny drabble, I’d be amazed if I’d get kudos, even more so with comments.
> 
> For anyone who’s interested, my twitter handle is @hateisillegal.
> 
> Love,  
> athousandfaces 
> 
> #wangxianarehusbands  
> #theyaremarried  
> #theyhaveason


End file.
